Longing.

(Written : March 2014, Longing : Ongoing)

If I had to describe my state of mind these days, it would be this. Longing.

Have you ever felt tired of being courageous, for yourself and for those you love ? Have you ever felt worn out of putting up a great show or the perfect exterior at the same time soothing your not so bold and beautiful interior? Being courageous is a demanding-exhausting - 24*7- 365 days a year-herculean task and we find solace in telling ourselves that that's the precise reason its not everyone's cup of tea. But may be its everyone's cup of tea after all. May be most of the people around us have just chosen to be not courageous and be un-lionhearted instead.

Then why am I being so hard on myself and putting up this brave front? Because that's what I want? Because that's God's will? I don't know. I can't tell. Its one thing to be surrendering to any will at all and another to be completely oblivious to any wills of any sort at all and just BE. Be courageous because that's the only way you know how to be.

I'm self contradicting. That's not such a big problem if its at different times and in different situations. But when it happens at the same time and when I feel the conflict happening in my head that's when its a problem. I say one thing and feel exactly the other the next moment and then I say  that and feel the first somehow the next instant. This is not to confuse anyone else but to just create a huge number of conflicting  emotions within myself. Imagine living in my (constantly at tug of war!) head.

I'm so self sufficient sometimes that emotionally I alienate everyone I love and fight my battle with life all on my own. This is probably the first time I'm even accepting this fact and admitting this to myself. I know this is a corrosive step and needs to be corrected now, but I have this innate sense of protective feeling that washes over me at those times when I think I'm going through a bad time and people I love have to come to my rescue and feel bad for the situation I am in too. For some reason when I'm supposed to be taken care off, I start being supportive to them instead like that situation is not mine but perhaps their's. I start telling myself things that normally another loved one would tell me to give me strength. Of course, there are some people who do that nonetheless and  that helps enormously. But more often than not, the control freak in me just takes up the role of a responsible person, when I am fully entitled to fall and crumble into pieces and break down to let others take care of me.

Putting all of this gibberish together,you can as an audience imagine what happens when I feel miserable. I feel miserable on day 1. Day 2 I gather myself and tell myself all sorts of hopeful things to see the brighter side again. Day 3-4 and afterwards are all a jumble of alternating feelings.I build that wall unconsciously and bar the others from entering my fragile emotional field. Not because I don't want to be protected , taken care off, even pampered, but because I have to be everyone's strength and I have to be there for everyone, then how can I , be the one who falls apart.