Of Silver in Adam’s Ale..

He looked into my eyes, just the way I’ve always dreamed my man will look into mine. I could see him, see into my soul. I shifted just an inch, feeling slightly fidgety from somewhere within. But he held me. With his honest, blatant, straight, unwavering, calm and unblinking gaze. I looked back. My gaze steady but not as steady as his resolute look. There was this hesitation.But where was it coming from? And why? Why now? NOW, when I found the man who looked into my eyes like that. At the time, I could not tell. So I decided to leave it at that. There seemed to be no time to channelize or focus or think pragmatically. It was all very in-the-moment, increasingly pulsating with every breath I took. I was anxious, happy, surprised, hesitant and curious - All at the same time. Then again, nobody had made me feel like the center of the Universe before too, that too with a mere eye-contact.

We stood apart at the same distance, for what seemed like at least a slow moving 67 something years. None of us ready to drop that contact for another 67 something years, either. Just when I thought time has stopped. He moved. His move as determined as his gaze. Closing the distance between us with the same calmness with which he was looking into my eyes. The water lashed hard around us, even harder than before. The droplets falling a lakh per minute on the turquoise tranquil blue lagoon of that swimming pool. Is there anybody else here? Is it the calm before or after the storm? I can’t tell. I can’t tell anything right now. It felt like it was the sea. The never-ending infinite sea. My heart was moving up.. towards my mouth.. competing with the thunder and rain around us. Through all the noises around us that the water made, I could only hear my heart beating, in my mouth, one crazy hard heartbeat at a time.

Inches. We were mere inches apart. Still no touching. Only that all-engulfing gaze. He raised his hand and straightened a strand of hair that danced on my forehead, tucking it oh-so-adorably behind my ear. Like that’s where it’s supposed to be, like that was its home, like that’s where it belonged. I could feel my wrists sweating, underwater. I was suddenly very aware of the proximity which gave away my heavy breathing and all the turmoil within me. His hands didn't linger romantically near my ear. But it was going to be futile anyway, the damage had been done, I already had goose-flesh, underwater, of course! Brilliant. Not only am I a chicken. I can’t even pretend to be cool and act like I'm not affected. With the hands, that knew their business well, he reached underwater and held my palms in his, gently but unflinchingly. My sweaty (and I think terribly trembling) palms. We were now a whisker apart. It was like he had rehearsed this impromptu moment all his life. He exhibited a composure of years of meticulous planning. He didn't waiver, or looked like he didn’t know his move. Even after knowing him all my life, I never knew he had this determination, this streak in him, behind this introvert, geek image he carried forever. I was actually awestruck at his, pardon me for saying this, but his.. macho-ness. There is no better turn-on in this whole wide world, than the man -- who knows exactly what he is doing.

But if that was the right thing, why couldn't I move? Why couldn't I hold his hands back? Why couldn't I see in his eyes what he saw in mine? Why did my feet feel like they were tied to logs of iron in the water? Why was I turning into stone? Why wasn't I melting in his arms? Why did it seem right but not feel right?

He stood, holding me. His look changing from that of calmness to confusion to anxiousness to desperation to finally..Disappointment. And I? I had turned into stone long back. He seemed right and it was perfect. But only that he wasn't. He wasn't the one who’d change the stone into a living creature. I was destined to be with someone, who could do that. And he was destined to be with someone, who never turned into stone at that all consuming love he had to offer.

He was what Silver is with Adam’s Ale. While both are excellent as individual elements in the world. Silver is still insoluble in water. And as Nature commands, it always will be.. Just like the unsuccessful attraction between us.  

The Times of The Capital – First Edition.

As i write this, I realise that I've hardly had 2 spoonfuls of what life has to offer..  And I'm acutely aware of the fact that I have a long way to go till I reach the bottom of my cup. 

The Capital has been very kind and God has been kinder.

I’ve known The Capital and its system ever since I was a child. So it lets me slip into my comfort zone with ease. But at the same time, it does have its drawbacks, which are not small, to state the least. I had some notions about myself before I shifted base from my own Shangri-La to this city where this Shangri-La isn’t mine. (It’s Eros’! Hah LAME.) On a serious note, I knew the hardships I’d face and the smooth sailing that would follow. What I didn’t know was how I was going to take them. My perception of my behavior has turned out to be quite different from my behavior itself.

I thought I was patient.

NOT. I’m quite un-patient. And that is a trait that I’ve acquired in this city. Someone once said that, patience is not the art of waiting for something that you want, it’s an attitude that one exhibits during that time, waiting for things to go his/her way. It’s basically your reaction to that time and its events. My response- I get agitated, paranoid, uneasy, clammy, upset, and teary - all at the same time within a span of a few minutes. An event that doesn’t go as it should when I am out of the confines of my lovely home (Thank Heavens for that!), it takes me hardly any time to lose my cool. And lose my cool in a way that meticulously doesn’t show on the exterior but boils like some complex chemical broth on the interior. I will attribute this to the safety concern that keeps you on guard 24*7 and leaves no room for a breather in that respect. Which brings us to what I’ve developed as a result of that stress – Acute never-ending ACIDITY. Hello Digene!

I thought I had courage.

Ermm. I still am courageous. On the outside, that is. Why, I squarely faced the Beggar family –squad at Khan Market,at night, all alone! I rode with the most ferocious looking auto fellas. I work at a place with a slimy person to take orders from. I also went into some very immodest sort of houses with never to be trusted-brokers while house hunting. I also took a cab to the airport, from TaxiSure, one of the lesser known cab services with the shadiest looking, English speaking, fancy named-cabbie, at three at night. On the inside, I have cursed myself and thanked my stars a gazillion times for each and every event that I’ve mentioned here and for more such events- some avoidable and some absolutely inevitable!

I thought I was going to be Independent.

NADA. A BIG NO NO.

Strictly speaking, independence is a notion, defined in a very skewed fashion. The one and only Oxford Dictionary declares that:

Independent means: adjective

·              1free from outside control; not subject to another’s authority.

·              2not depending on another for livelihood or subsistence:

·              3capable of thinking or acting for oneself.

·              4not connected with another or with each other; separate.

I thought I qualified atleast 2 out of the given 4 options to be independent. When in all actual-ness, I score a big zero on four! There is no doubting Number 1. I am ONLY subject to “another’s authority” a minimum of 90% of the time, which constitutes all work hours and also some hours after.
Number 2 is thankfully taken care off in bits by the self and the rest is ensured by the familia, rather lavishly. Number 3. IS A JOKE! Which I have come to terms with now. The butt of this is usually my mother, my aunt and my soul sister. I need constant advice on what to do, where to go, who to meet, how much to divulge (Ye apni Raajdhaani hai bhaisaab! Patri nahin kholni hai kisi ke bhi saamne!)...blahblahblah. Number 4 is not true for anyone. In our times of social networking, connectivity is a necessity.. Or an obsessive compulsive disorder  ...Or an inevitable consequence of technology. Have atleast a cellphone? You will be connected. I for one, am thankful that I’m super connected, to whoever that matters.

So there goes the Independence. Of thought, mind and Soul. The Capital doesn’t provide you with liberation, sorry. You got to fight for it or go someplace deeper within yourself. For which, there is such a thing as Art of Living. Another one which I thought I had mastered. But, not even close.

I am in reality, very dependent- with a parasitic intensity! Dependent on my most vital carriers for the food for the soul, all of whom live hundreds of miles away.

What has this city given me then?

It’s giving me the teachings to last a lifetime. It’s grinding my posterior to no limits. Its giving me some *good* parties. It’s giving me my friends. It’s given me a beautiful cozy house that I can call mine; truly, because it feels like it’s mine. It’s showing me what it is to live in a whirlwind. One step at a time.

There’s work. There’s the managing of the house. There’s the socializing. There’s the shopping – all sorts at that! There’s the easy access to art events. There’s the crowd. There’s the drive on the broad beautiful roads. There’s the best Dal Bukhara and Tiramisu. There’s the quiet when you need it. There’s the magnificent sight of the breathtaking monuments. There’s the revelation. There’s the burst of flowers. There’s that realization. There’s the always visible somewhere, standing tall - My National Flag. There’s that assurance. There’s that patriotism in the air. There’s the non- stop and the best Radio with the most number of stations in the country. There’s that extreme weather. There’s the confluence of the who’s who and the nobodies from all over the globe.. all right here !

Oh and well…Somewhere in there is also..

… the Patience.

… the Courage.

… the Independence.

To my tried & tested times as well as my testing times here, for now and for all the times to come... Cheers to you Dear Capital! Keep my Safety net intact J ThankyouverymuchJee  !!

Hey Me :) Hey Hey You :)

My biggest audience is ME. It always feels  like looking into a time-travelling mirror, which has all my memories and feelings intact for me. And I can’t be more thankful to myself, for coming back once in a blue moon and reading what I had written. If my blog had to be categorized into a category, it would definitely be Self-Help. NO. Literally. This is my space to exorcise, imbibe, recollect, memorize and bind into written word what I felt when. As stupid (and now absolutely senseless!) as Hedgehog’s Dilemma which was about being right in the middle of a very very bad break two of my closest friends went through, to the Footprints in the Sand, which still make me feel amazed and reinstates my faith in The Super Power whenever I read it, to the Message in a Bottle, which makes for a perfect high school one sided crush saga - even today, to the Shattered Silver Splinters which I wrote when I experienced something that I hadn't till then, the breach of my trust.

Things have and have not changed. I wouldn't alter the Silver Closet. Rather I’d add some more things to it now. As for the things that have changed, well, Preaches and Scream: 2030 isn't quite going in the direction as it was predicted. But the time:: choices::experiences theory still holds good. And hey! It’s not TwentyThirty Yet! J The basics haven’t changed and how I thank God they haven’t. Still Bleeding Blue, still finding closure difficult, still loving yellow bulbs, still waiting for Prince Charming. And still in the all consuming Haze.

So this is me talking to me, preaching all the time, writing a moral-of-the –story- sort of paragraph in the end of every post. The conclusions are for myself than anyone else, so that when I lose my mental balance and get deranged, I know where to come to remind myself off the things I should be telling myself.

This is the Virtual Version of my Little Pink- Lock n Key- Diary.

The pages of which are open to all of you lovely people to peep into !

I love coming back here, over and over again (even if that's once a year!) . Hope you do too!