Almost One in America

One of the first pictures from last August.
Berkeley, California, Circa: 2014.

4 days to 365 days.

In four short days I will be a year old in the U.S of A. Like any other almost-one year olds, I have grown multi-folds and picked up things and skills and what not to advance exponentially in every aspect.

When I was born here, in the melting pot of the-obese, the-ignorant, the coke-heads, the-hardworking, the-optimists, the-generous, the-confused and most importantly the-determined from all over the world, I remember taking a few days to acclimatize myself to my surroundings. The roads were undeviating and wider and smoother. The buildings were all Art-Nouveau meet post-modern and grander and sparklier. The air was passionless and crisper and purified. The food was unimaginative (read:unhealthier) and blander and brighter. Finally, the people. (Apart from being scanty in number as they are 1/36th of what we have, per square inch, leaving a lot of hollow chunks of land in between them!) The western demographic were a complicated potpourri of all the adjectives used above, times twenty and some more. I met people with extreme characteristics- the very good, the baddest bad and the pure fugly. And each of them rubbed off on me, in a way that gave me an immense clarity on who and what not to be, making me more comfortable (if it was even possible!) than ever, in my own skin.

I got singed a couple of days ago, when talking to my best friend half way across the world from me. So the thing with this girl is that we have been best friends for only a 100 years now, which sort of gives her the license to say absolutely anything (right/wrong) on her mind without playing it in her head for a sound-check. We both usually listen to the words coming out of our mouths, at the same time as the person on the other end. Owing to our failure to carry out any impact evaluation before we speak, we sometimes unknowingly and of course unintentionally burn the person involved.

She said the one thing that has been my trigger, for a year now, in all the arguments I've had with my mother. I have come a long way in the tolerance/endurance department and as a result become an excruciatingly patient person, except for when you tell me that "America changes people. You have been Americanized too." FTW. *Roaring lioness unleashed* I said nothing to this, when she said that very subtly about someone else, to me. Now I know it wasn't intended for me but I just took it upon myself and charred myself with that oft-heard-typical-agitated-Indian-comment.

I didn't react to it but it got me thinking as to why it agitates me so much. And I realized that it did because I don't have a good way to explain it right now to the person connoting it in such a negative way but I have changed after all. Americanized, with all due respects to all the Americans, I have not been. But changed, I have. In a very very good way, at that. I have learnt so much in this one year that I haven't in a lot of years put together before this. One can take me out of India but no one and nothing will ever be able to take India out of me. America in its full glory with its jam, is responsible for this change but not in the bitten-by-the-big-bad-western-vampire kind of way.


How it has changed me, who is responsible for bringing about that change and why I will never go back the same person again..are all questions, the answers to which, like I previously admitted, are not a breeze for me to elucidate en este momento! I am who I was, only better (if I may be boisterous enough to say so myself). I'll be one in four days and may be I would've grown enough in these traistionary days to answer these questions. For now, you will just have to trust me on this as I can't just yet tell you how I have been bettered. Though honestly, how many of us are lucky enough to be one more than once in our lifetimes? So I deserve to be cut some slack, as a one year old ( and may be even a giant slice of cake!) for not having all the answers instantly.

This has been more real than anything that I have ever experienced. This has been a mammoth roller coaster of a year. Deets to follow on the day of the next outburst.

Till then..

Signing off,

Almost One in America- Me.

(from the Dining hall, International House, Berkeley 1:51 P.M)

Longing.

(Written : March 2014, Longing : Ongoing)

If I had to describe my state of mind these days, it would be this. Longing.

Have you ever felt tired of being courageous, for yourself and for those you love ? Have you ever felt worn out of putting up a great show or the perfect exterior at the same time soothing your not so bold and beautiful interior? Being courageous is a demanding-exhausting - 24*7- 365 days a year-herculean task and we find solace in telling ourselves that that's the precise reason its not everyone's cup of tea. But may be its everyone's cup of tea after all. May be most of the people around us have just chosen to be not courageous and be un-lionhearted instead.

Then why am I being so hard on myself and putting up this brave front? Because that's what I want? Because that's God's will? I don't know. I can't tell. Its one thing to be surrendering to any will at all and another to be completely oblivious to any wills of any sort at all and just BE. Be courageous because that's the only way you know how to be.

I'm self contradicting. That's not such a big problem if its at different times and in different situations. But when it happens at the same time and when I feel the conflict happening in my head that's when its a problem. I say one thing and feel exactly the other the next moment and then I say  that and feel the first somehow the next instant. This is not to confuse anyone else but to just create a huge number of conflicting  emotions within myself. Imagine living in my (constantly at tug of war!) head.

I'm so self sufficient sometimes that emotionally I alienate everyone I love and fight my battle with life all on my own. This is probably the first time I'm even accepting this fact and admitting this to myself. I know this is a corrosive step and needs to be corrected now, but I have this innate sense of protective feeling that washes over me at those times when I think I'm going through a bad time and people I love have to come to my rescue and feel bad for the situation I am in too. For some reason when I'm supposed to be taken care off, I start being supportive to them instead like that situation is not mine but perhaps their's. I start telling myself things that normally another loved one would tell me to give me strength. Of course, there are some people who do that nonetheless and  that helps enormously. But more often than not, the control freak in me just takes up the role of a responsible person, when I am fully entitled to fall and crumble into pieces and break down to let others take care of me.

Putting all of this gibberish together,you can as an audience imagine what happens when I feel miserable. I feel miserable on day 1. Day 2 I gather myself and tell myself all sorts of hopeful things to see the brighter side again. Day 3-4 and afterwards are all a jumble of alternating feelings.I build that wall unconsciously and bar the others from entering my fragile emotional field. Not because I don't want to be protected , taken care off, even pampered, but because I have to be everyone's strength and I have to be there for everyone, then how can I , be the one who falls apart.

Curtain- Raiser

This the Prelude to the five sections that I have culled out for the stories that made me the person I am today. (Brainwave, Note to SELF : This section and the successive sections will later be a part of my official Memoir, one day.) The Curtain Raiser offers a Sneak Peek in to the coming sections and tells you what to expect in each section, in random order. Of course who is to say, when those sections will actually be written and/or published..But atleast I have the main points down to cogitate on for starters!

Frangipani.

Like a sweet smelling frangipani looking at the world through her pink-tinted glasses.

I have forever been fascinated with the simplicity of the champa, the waft of its sugary floral fragrance and the bunch in which the beautiful flowers grow makes the flower seem like a pretty little lady,herding with her flock,still each standing uncomplicated,innocent and distinct in that bunch.They seem to be looking at the world in an unadulterated color, like their own.The rosy glasses,those that make everything seem pretty, everything in a hue tad better than its original shade.Through those, nothing seems wrong and you don't seem to mind anything or anyone.Those phases of life, where the body recognises only one emotion -- the mush.Not the love phase, the superlative of love phase-the romance phase.
As a child,I watched Dil, my first exposure to romance. Come to think of it now, that was quite inappropriate to expose a baby to that sort of romance!I fell in love with Aamir Khan AND Madhuri Dixit.For the longest time I thought they lived that romantic life in that small hut  in the woods,singing love ballads. But then came Hum Aapke Hain Kaun with Salman and Madhuri, by which time I gathered that Aamir and Madhuri weren't married after all. So that soft spot for the flamboyant Prem(Salman) also made house in my heart.Sometime after that came Dilwale Dulhaniya Le Jaayenge,which blew my mind off. Ok. Let me out a little secret today.If you have seen the movie too, you'd recall how Simran could hear Raj playing the guitar and that tune haunted her all the way to India, thousands of miles away from him.The intensity with which I revelled on these cheesy bollywood-rom-coms was SO high, that I remember sitting in my class with that music haunting me like it haunted Simran.Obviously,our love for Shahrukh was established in the same manner, as our tipping points were exactly the same- the haunting tune.
THAT was not the story of my romance.That was my story of how I learnt what romance was,only from the best of the best we have ever seen, the Khans, of our times! So for a rosy glasses-clad girl, who learns from the best, life doesn't become any easier, as what I began with in terms of expectations, was far from reality.
My Higher Education wasn't any less too,already breeding on a heavy dosage of Jane Austen classics and Harlequin, Mills & Boons fantasy world,I graduated to Hollywood which opened a while new series of mush to my mush hungry-mind.Then there were the Pretty Womans,the Notting Hills, the You've got Mails,the Harry met Sallys followed by a barrage of series like Friends,Grey's Anatomy and what not..FULL EXPOSURE TO POTENTIALLY LETHAL-FOR-THE-MIND STUFF CONTINUES TILL DATE.

Emerald

Discipline : My Bijoux.


Very early on in life, when I was probably still walking wobbly, I was put in dance school because my parents had seen some ingrained talent in me.And how grateful I am to them for this, among other things! We come from a school of thought that believes in formal training from the best available resources in all forms of talent. I subsequently went to an array of classes for dance, music, painting, swimming, sports, the summer camps of a variety of things like archery,shooting, they even inculcated praying to be inculcated as a habit in a child. We ere exposed to a lot of stuff in our growing up years. I stuck to dance for dear life, when the times became tougher with studies etc. and if that has taught me anything today, it is that talent is a waste if its not coupled with discipline. I have done the same step over and over again till my feet were sore, for hours at end physically and non-stop in my head, till the time I have got it just right. The complexities of the posture of the body, the exact bent of a hand for a mudra to look natural, the effort that goes into effortless dancing, the expressions, the fluid eye and body movements and above all the timing when all of it has to come together to make that experience perfect- is not even imaginable without a 101% honest discipline and ruthless dedication. I literally spared nothing when it came to my dance, be it for the smallest dance performance for myself in front of my dressing table mirror or for the largest audience I have performed in front of. ALL my performances have to perfect to the best of my capabilities. That's my unsaid and unwritten promise in blood to myself. And the discipline for it comes from within. That's what it is has taught me for life as well, if you perform and do it half-heartedly, it will never come through the way it should. Talent can't stand ground alone. But when it gets coupled with hard work, that's when its shows.
Dance for me is divine. And I know this might sound weird, but I could sense very early on in life that it gets me face-to-face with the inexplicable  and transports me to a place that seems tranquil beyond words. That, I'm guessing how the world defines divine. That gives me my centre by completely smashing me off my centre.Its my form of Bhakti and its my form of joy. I owe every morsel of the discipline in my being to dance. Its given me not only my divine place but a way of life. Its my Sorcerer's Stone, my jewel and my biggest strength.
Emerald traces the story of the perhaps the most precious bijoux that I possess, through the incidents that taught me much much more than the discipline of it all.Through it I have had revelations not only about others but myself too. Some of my toughest and the smoothest times have all laid in this one field for me.

Orchids

Being Born to the Purple.

I don't mean to sound overly proud or pompous when I say the idiom so decisively, the only thing that I mean is that to me that's what my family is. I see my family as the epitome of -- everything. To me they are the most aristocratic, graceful, respectful, happy, cheerful, honest, regal, responsible,funny, dependable, loving, doting, clean-heart-ed, pure, thoughtful, righteous, just the right mix of baroque and contemporary and I could really go on! I have no shame in admitting that I afford an exaggerated sense of ALL the good in the world to my family. They are and will be all that I look up to, love and live. I know for a fact that there are many who are above me as a person and must have gotten a lot more than what I was taught. But if I had just one wish for my next life- I'd know exactly what to ask for.

Orchids will features the times of my being spoilt- silly and endlessly doted. I will give my parents a tough time. I will fail and be trained in dealing with the most important aspect of life- failure. I will see my parents go through certain things that make me feel so protective of them that it felt like being a parent to them. I will do something tiny and see my family feel so proud like that's the genesis of atom that I've cracked. And above all, I will know what unadulterated love, really means.



Champagne

For the family I chose.

Friendship has not only taught me things, it has been one of the biggest blessings in life. For me my friendships have all flavours of yellow in them, all of them switch their bandwidths in different situations and become different things.Sometimes they are smooth like the lemon chiffon cake, sometimes they are are pungent but necessary like the flavour of the mustard, sometimes they give the pop of bright colour to life like the canary and some other times the dark side of the earth like the ochre.Sometimes they soothe like the pastel yellow and sometimes they are all you want for peace to prevail in your world, like the butter-cream frosting.All of them, are exactly what the sparkle is to the vino, like that champagne- they are the sparkle of my life. And that's my toast to this brilliant life, for now and forever.

Champagne charts what I call the graph of my success in life.One should consider oneself lucky, if he/she has been able to surround themselves with people who alleviate their levels in life. I will be blessed with the greatest friendship known to mankind.I will,very early in life, see each of my friends- a group of people at one point of time, turn their backs on me. Not once but twice.I will see what happens when I excel in something and also what happens when I fail at the other. 

This edition is hand picked. The characters and also the their connotations and  their importance in my life. No matter who taught me what, I write only after ascertaining the right to write all this. These are human errors according to me, which come as lessons sometimes. So cut me some slack my friends, like I have, for even I am human like all of you lovely people. To the family I have chosen for myself - who won't sue me for writing this.

Ivory & Charcoal

Faith & its foes..

My belief system has been one which wraps itself around the thing called faith. Faith in the Super Power. Faith in Karma . Faith in the family and its love. Faith in the process. Faith in time. And because there is an overload of eternal optimism, as you can see, in my system, I somehow manage, despite the oddest of the odds in life, to scramble faith - in myself. The most important of all faiths. The one that lay in yourself. On the basis of which you listen to that one little voice in your interiors and keep going, head-long, at whatever you do, with full force. That for me is the purest form of self-motivation, of driving yourself in the direction your life is meant to go.Without this faith, you can't stir the ship in the right direction, on the pitch black stormy night in the sea. It is the ONLY that makes you take the first step, of anything.
That is what drives me in life. The belief that the world straightens itself, after the messiest tragedy it gets hit by.That we recuperate and things happen for a reason. That whatever prevails is for the best and in the greater good. Its so difficult to write the prelude to this section , without sounding like a preachy- baba or guru-ma of some sort. But it is what it is. I've had enough examples in my life of what happens when I put all my faith in something that I have done my best at and leave the rest to my God/Karma/Universe/Whatever you would like to call it. The end result is always was the best. I don't want to jinx this whole thing going on between me and my uber cool-Universe, but sometimes the result is something that I didn't even know I could get, it exceeds my expectations from myself. That's how I have raised the bar for myself in many things.
I have asked for what I wanted, with all my heart and all my might and the Universe has conspired,somehow using its secret super powers,to make my wish come true.

The whole law of this Faith business, has its loopholes al right! There have been things in my life, where I have been faced with situations, where I would wish for something with more than all my heart and more than all my might and still NOT get it. Instances that haunt and do not leave me like the ghosts of the past. Events I wish never occurred, things I would have loved to do differently, circumstances I wish others would have tackled differently. Things that happened despite the beautiful pure faith laid in them.Incidents that have taken place and cannot be undone. Those that give pain, anger, frustration and a sense of helplessness that reminds you of your mere human nature. The fact that everything that you wish for does not always come true. There is always an energy that does its own things and leaves you to recuperate and regain yourself from the aftermath. The hard reality of some things in life, being absolutely out of your control, which can never be stopped with any amount of effort you put in them, hits you like its the Universe ascertaining its position in your blind faith-adorned life.
As much as I have had the experiences with my faith getting strengthened at every step, I have had to face some situations I never wished to have been in, in the first place. No matter how much I didn't want to be in that place, I did in fact, face them and got shattered, dwindled in my head struggling with my fading faith and then somehow with time regained that faith back to it original place.
These are incidents which introduced my ivory faith to the charcoal human existence and how they both exist like yin and yang, simultaneously in the world.
Some stories I narrate here might seem minuscule in front of the preachy and boisterous prelude to them but these are the things that established certain definite beliefs in me and that is what sets them apart from all the other stories I have lived in my life.

Life in Technicolor

I'm a Coldplay Girl! Be it this song or whichever else, I love them all   :)
They have composed some of their songs so so beautifully that I can picture myself sitting all by myself in the countryside some 50 years from now, listening to them and seeing my life flash by in the endless sky beyond me, with every memory leaving an indelible reflection in the spread of clear waters in front of me. On that arm chair near the lake, with my toes against the grainy blissful sand.. I'll know the things I've seen and the lessons I've learnt. That will be my life. My journey and my story. My style. With that typical signature all over its technicolor - Signature - Silver.

There are things which I share and tell others about and there are certain other things which I haven't told anybody, yet. Not because they are some big secrets. But because I don't know how to tell them. They are things which have shaped me to who I am, what I think and the manner in which I perceive things in life. I've seen all colours of life, from the pinks to the blues to the greens to the grays.  It's been a technicolor fest and thank God it's been the way it's been. You see it makes for a good story and we all know that stories happen only to those who can tell them. On a serious note, what's the point of that life which does not have all the flavours on its palette. The sours and the sweets along with  the viscoses and the waterys.

So hereon now, I will try to tell 5 of these choicest tales. The ones which might compel you to judge me because of their trivial nature and still the magnitude of importance I afford them. They are things which have stayed with me, not as stories but for what they made me feel and how they altered my life forever. More than anything else, for all that they made me realise, about others and about myself. For all they are worth, they have changed me for ever and for the better.

Stay with me, coming back with the first attempt at telling some un-tell-able super short stories, with high emotional intensity,etched in my heart, shortly :) 

Flashback: Things I'd tell the younger me..

Dear Lil Me,

1. There are grey areas. I wish things were as white and as black as you perceive them to be. But they aren't. In fact, at some point you might think, that the only color in which things exit in life is - Grey.
2. Don't judge already! Yes. Even if its only in the most secretive of secret places in the corners of your head. Not just yet. Please don't judge!
3. Break some rules. The breakable ones, that is.
4. Very Soon, you are going to think that you like this boy , the way you've never liked another boy before and you will also think that this is it for you. Don't hold onto that feeling. Learn to let go. And learn it at the right time.
5. By now, you know exactly who your best friend is. Rest assured, that in this- this really is it! She's your soul sister. Never ever hurt her. Try not to let anyone else hurt her too. Especially on that Goa trip that you'll be on soon.
6. Study. Math is going to give you back, what you give her. Which is - NOTHING. Ok, start studying for the math supplementary exam! Just study more or something.
7. Even when you think your heart has a boy in it right now,you'll like other boys without understanding why you do, when you supposedly like the first one so much. (Ways of the heart I tell you! ) take the cue- if you liked the first boy so much, your heart wouldn't have wandered off to the other boys. Drop the first one... And let your poor lil heart be.
8. Repeat after me - Dimples are no big deal. They don't mean a good heart. Drop that second boy , who seems gaga over you, right now too. It'll save you a lot of trouble and chaos later. Actually, it'll also save him and a lot of other people a hell lot of trouble too.
9. You are lucky to have got it right by now, stick to it for life - family is everything. You are truly blessed!
10. If you try too hard to keep everyone happy then you will end up unhappy. If you try too hard to keep only yourself happy then you will end up making almost everyone unhappy. Strike a balance.
11. Carry a mascara and lipgloss to farewell! Crying, laughing, hugging, smiling, posing, kissing et al. You probably won't care that much, but it'll ALL show in the pictures for the posterity.
12. Make up your mind as to what you want to do now. You'll save a year of nothingness before college.
13. Dance will never leave you. Rest assured. If you love it that much, you'll see the lengths to which you can go for attaining that happiness, for yourself.

13. Know who you are friends with.
14. Don't expect to go to a fancy fairy tale college- infra-structurally  Be prepared to be shocked first and then taken in by the experience it will give you.
15. You will have so many friends who will teach you so many different life lessons. Try not to get upset or agitated or sarcastic when life's not black and white all the time. Giving those around you a tough time, by giving yourself a though time isn't going to help.
16. Don't take everything to heart. Please don't . Getting hurt so easily, getting affected by everyone so easily is not going to do you any good. Toughen up. Yes, that also means no crying, not even when you're alone.
17. There'll still be time when you go to college, if you haven't forgotten the boy I told you to forget, rather both the boys, forget them NOW. Soon in college , you'll get  an email and a messenger request. Don't reply and don't accept.
18. That best friend of yours, keep her by your side for your own good. Don't worry, possessiveness is an accepted side effect of that relationship! Realise it sooner than later,it'll make you fight with her and snap at her a lil lesser.
19. Study. Please.
20.  Exercise. Lots.(Lose that flab!)
21. Life is sooo much more better than it will seem sometime or the other. You'll think you've hit rock bottom. Be sure to tell yourself that you haven't even left the top, forget getting to the bottom. Make it a habit to count your blessings.
22. You will realise, 10 wise years later, that the world is generally filled with people who take the ones closest to them, for granted or sidetrack them.You are probably doing it too, in ways that you don't even realise are making you do it. Simple things like, not acknowledging your family or closest friend when you're with people you " hope " to make an impression on or people who you want to be close to or worst still, people who don't really give you that much importance as you give them.I'm not too worried about you on this front, cause for some reason you realise this, but still these are one of the things social networking will teach you, where all your friends and their friends and friends of friends confluence. You will observe yourself, your closest and the strangers.. And as stupid as it might seem.. You will be able to judge their general behaviour by the way they react or behave or whatever. When this happens, don't get hurt , thank your stars! :)
23. Go to Fateh Sagar more often. Take more walks by the lake. And try to wake up and enjoy the beautiful mornings as much as you can! That peaceful memory alone, of a breathtaking morning in Udaipur, will see you through a lot of dry and parched days , away from home. Fill your lungs with that air!!
24. Have fun. More fun, if that's even possible.
25. Maintain the clean heart policy. That never fails. No matters what I tell you right now, you must be perched on the couch or in your room, waiting for my sermon to get over, so you can call someone or paint your nails or think about somebody you have a crush on or think of things to do in school. So.. Go and live your life, the way you want to. Because when you reach here.. Where I am today.. I would want you to feel the exact same way that I'm feeling right now,at the end of point no 25..
This place, where you regret nothing, you want to protect your - younger- self from the wrongs and the silly mistakes you've made, but then mid way through the sermon , all of a sudden you realise - that every bit of it was worth it and needed to make me the person I am today. You'll have just the right friends, the beautiful doting family, the boy issues have  all evaporated( why some are your closest friends today!), there is this calm inside of you, that sense of understanding and clarity that comes with the age and experience.. Which assures you of the fact that all's well that ends well and that everything happens for a reason. You won't have it any other way too.. So go live it up !!
And just one more thing, Don't ever loose sight of the Big Picture.


Much Love,

Slightly bigger- Yourself

Of Silver in Adam’s Ale..

He looked into my eyes, just the way I’ve always dreamed my man will look into mine. I could see him, see into my soul. I shifted just an inch, feeling slightly fidgety from somewhere within. But he held me. With his honest, blatant, straight, unwavering, calm and unblinking gaze. I looked back. My gaze steady but not as steady as his resolute look. There was this hesitation.But where was it coming from? And why? Why now? NOW, when I found the man who looked into my eyes like that. At the time, I could not tell. So I decided to leave it at that. There seemed to be no time to channelize or focus or think pragmatically. It was all very in-the-moment, increasingly pulsating with every breath I took. I was anxious, happy, surprised, hesitant and curious - All at the same time. Then again, nobody had made me feel like the center of the Universe before too, that too with a mere eye-contact.

We stood apart at the same distance, for what seemed like at least a slow moving 67 something years. None of us ready to drop that contact for another 67 something years, either. Just when I thought time has stopped. He moved. His move as determined as his gaze. Closing the distance between us with the same calmness with which he was looking into my eyes. The water lashed hard around us, even harder than before. The droplets falling a lakh per minute on the turquoise tranquil blue lagoon of that swimming pool. Is there anybody else here? Is it the calm before or after the storm? I can’t tell. I can’t tell anything right now. It felt like it was the sea. The never-ending infinite sea. My heart was moving up.. towards my mouth.. competing with the thunder and rain around us. Through all the noises around us that the water made, I could only hear my heart beating, in my mouth, one crazy hard heartbeat at a time.

Inches. We were mere inches apart. Still no touching. Only that all-engulfing gaze. He raised his hand and straightened a strand of hair that danced on my forehead, tucking it oh-so-adorably behind my ear. Like that’s where it’s supposed to be, like that was its home, like that’s where it belonged. I could feel my wrists sweating, underwater. I was suddenly very aware of the proximity which gave away my heavy breathing and all the turmoil within me. His hands didn't linger romantically near my ear. But it was going to be futile anyway, the damage had been done, I already had goose-flesh, underwater, of course! Brilliant. Not only am I a chicken. I can’t even pretend to be cool and act like I'm not affected. With the hands, that knew their business well, he reached underwater and held my palms in his, gently but unflinchingly. My sweaty (and I think terribly trembling) palms. We were now a whisker apart. It was like he had rehearsed this impromptu moment all his life. He exhibited a composure of years of meticulous planning. He didn't waiver, or looked like he didn’t know his move. Even after knowing him all my life, I never knew he had this determination, this streak in him, behind this introvert, geek image he carried forever. I was actually awestruck at his, pardon me for saying this, but his.. macho-ness. There is no better turn-on in this whole wide world, than the man -- who knows exactly what he is doing.

But if that was the right thing, why couldn't I move? Why couldn't I hold his hands back? Why couldn't I see in his eyes what he saw in mine? Why did my feet feel like they were tied to logs of iron in the water? Why was I turning into stone? Why wasn't I melting in his arms? Why did it seem right but not feel right?

He stood, holding me. His look changing from that of calmness to confusion to anxiousness to desperation to finally..Disappointment. And I? I had turned into stone long back. He seemed right and it was perfect. But only that he wasn't. He wasn't the one who’d change the stone into a living creature. I was destined to be with someone, who could do that. And he was destined to be with someone, who never turned into stone at that all consuming love he had to offer.

He was what Silver is with Adam’s Ale. While both are excellent as individual elements in the world. Silver is still insoluble in water. And as Nature commands, it always will be.. Just like the unsuccessful attraction between us.  

The Times of The Capital – First Edition.

As i write this, I realise that I've hardly had 2 spoonfuls of what life has to offer..  And I'm acutely aware of the fact that I have a long way to go till I reach the bottom of my cup. 

The Capital has been very kind and God has been kinder.

I’ve known The Capital and its system ever since I was a child. So it lets me slip into my comfort zone with ease. But at the same time, it does have its drawbacks, which are not small, to state the least. I had some notions about myself before I shifted base from my own Shangri-La to this city where this Shangri-La isn’t mine. (It’s Eros’! Hah LAME.) On a serious note, I knew the hardships I’d face and the smooth sailing that would follow. What I didn’t know was how I was going to take them. My perception of my behavior has turned out to be quite different from my behavior itself.

I thought I was patient.

NOT. I’m quite un-patient. And that is a trait that I’ve acquired in this city. Someone once said that, patience is not the art of waiting for something that you want, it’s an attitude that one exhibits during that time, waiting for things to go his/her way. It’s basically your reaction to that time and its events. My response- I get agitated, paranoid, uneasy, clammy, upset, and teary - all at the same time within a span of a few minutes. An event that doesn’t go as it should when I am out of the confines of my lovely home (Thank Heavens for that!), it takes me hardly any time to lose my cool. And lose my cool in a way that meticulously doesn’t show on the exterior but boils like some complex chemical broth on the interior. I will attribute this to the safety concern that keeps you on guard 24*7 and leaves no room for a breather in that respect. Which brings us to what I’ve developed as a result of that stress – Acute never-ending ACIDITY. Hello Digene!

I thought I had courage.

Ermm. I still am courageous. On the outside, that is. Why, I squarely faced the Beggar family –squad at Khan Market,at night, all alone! I rode with the most ferocious looking auto fellas. I work at a place with a slimy person to take orders from. I also went into some very immodest sort of houses with never to be trusted-brokers while house hunting. I also took a cab to the airport, from TaxiSure, one of the lesser known cab services with the shadiest looking, English speaking, fancy named-cabbie, at three at night. On the inside, I have cursed myself and thanked my stars a gazillion times for each and every event that I’ve mentioned here and for more such events- some avoidable and some absolutely inevitable!

I thought I was going to be Independent.

NADA. A BIG NO NO.

Strictly speaking, independence is a notion, defined in a very skewed fashion. The one and only Oxford Dictionary declares that:

Independent means: adjective

·              1free from outside control; not subject to another’s authority.

·              2not depending on another for livelihood or subsistence:

·              3capable of thinking or acting for oneself.

·              4not connected with another or with each other; separate.

I thought I qualified atleast 2 out of the given 4 options to be independent. When in all actual-ness, I score a big zero on four! There is no doubting Number 1. I am ONLY subject to “another’s authority” a minimum of 90% of the time, which constitutes all work hours and also some hours after.
Number 2 is thankfully taken care off in bits by the self and the rest is ensured by the familia, rather lavishly. Number 3. IS A JOKE! Which I have come to terms with now. The butt of this is usually my mother, my aunt and my soul sister. I need constant advice on what to do, where to go, who to meet, how much to divulge (Ye apni Raajdhaani hai bhaisaab! Patri nahin kholni hai kisi ke bhi saamne!)...blahblahblah. Number 4 is not true for anyone. In our times of social networking, connectivity is a necessity.. Or an obsessive compulsive disorder  ...Or an inevitable consequence of technology. Have atleast a cellphone? You will be connected. I for one, am thankful that I’m super connected, to whoever that matters.

So there goes the Independence. Of thought, mind and Soul. The Capital doesn’t provide you with liberation, sorry. You got to fight for it or go someplace deeper within yourself. For which, there is such a thing as Art of Living. Another one which I thought I had mastered. But, not even close.

I am in reality, very dependent- with a parasitic intensity! Dependent on my most vital carriers for the food for the soul, all of whom live hundreds of miles away.

What has this city given me then?

It’s giving me the teachings to last a lifetime. It’s grinding my posterior to no limits. Its giving me some *good* parties. It’s giving me my friends. It’s given me a beautiful cozy house that I can call mine; truly, because it feels like it’s mine. It’s showing me what it is to live in a whirlwind. One step at a time.

There’s work. There’s the managing of the house. There’s the socializing. There’s the shopping – all sorts at that! There’s the easy access to art events. There’s the crowd. There’s the drive on the broad beautiful roads. There’s the best Dal Bukhara and Tiramisu. There’s the quiet when you need it. There’s the magnificent sight of the breathtaking monuments. There’s the revelation. There’s the burst of flowers. There’s that realization. There’s the always visible somewhere, standing tall - My National Flag. There’s that assurance. There’s that patriotism in the air. There’s the non- stop and the best Radio with the most number of stations in the country. There’s that extreme weather. There’s the confluence of the who’s who and the nobodies from all over the globe.. all right here !

Oh and well…Somewhere in there is also..

… the Patience.

… the Courage.

… the Independence.

To my tried & tested times as well as my testing times here, for now and for all the times to come... Cheers to you Dear Capital! Keep my Safety net intact J ThankyouverymuchJee  !!

Hey Me :) Hey Hey You :)

My biggest audience is ME. It always feels  like looking into a time-travelling mirror, which has all my memories and feelings intact for me. And I can’t be more thankful to myself, for coming back once in a blue moon and reading what I had written. If my blog had to be categorized into a category, it would definitely be Self-Help. NO. Literally. This is my space to exorcise, imbibe, recollect, memorize and bind into written word what I felt when. As stupid (and now absolutely senseless!) as Hedgehog’s Dilemma which was about being right in the middle of a very very bad break two of my closest friends went through, to the Footprints in the Sand, which still make me feel amazed and reinstates my faith in The Super Power whenever I read it, to the Message in a Bottle, which makes for a perfect high school one sided crush saga - even today, to the Shattered Silver Splinters which I wrote when I experienced something that I hadn't till then, the breach of my trust.

Things have and have not changed. I wouldn't alter the Silver Closet. Rather I’d add some more things to it now. As for the things that have changed, well, Preaches and Scream: 2030 isn't quite going in the direction as it was predicted. But the time:: choices::experiences theory still holds good. And hey! It’s not TwentyThirty Yet! J The basics haven’t changed and how I thank God they haven’t. Still Bleeding Blue, still finding closure difficult, still loving yellow bulbs, still waiting for Prince Charming. And still in the all consuming Haze.

So this is me talking to me, preaching all the time, writing a moral-of-the –story- sort of paragraph in the end of every post. The conclusions are for myself than anyone else, so that when I lose my mental balance and get deranged, I know where to come to remind myself off the things I should be telling myself.

This is the Virtual Version of my Little Pink- Lock n Key- Diary.

The pages of which are open to all of you lovely people to peep into !

I love coming back here, over and over again (even if that's once a year!) . Hope you do too!

7 Minutes of Haze

7 minutes.
When Curiosity Rover was to land on Mars,it was going to take 7 minutes to touch upon the surface of Mars.In those 7 minutes Curiosity was going to be on its own and officially out of its creators hands,here on Earth. Whether Curiosity lands / loses itself somewhere in the atmosphere could only be determined at the end of those 7 minutes.A positive signal from the Martian land confirmed Curiosity's safe landing there and brought back life to its creators who waited with baited breath for that one tiny signal.
Those 7 minutes were termed the 7 Minutes of Terror by the scientists on Earth,but as I see it and if the Rover somehow could ,those 7 Minutes would be termed as,by Curiosity,as the 7 Minutes of Blissful Solitude.

Its 10.55 A.M on a Thursday morning and I have some me-time in which I decide to perch on the couch with the latest edition of Vogue,with a tall glass of water and a huge warm mug of coffee,to get absorbed in my fav. mag. and invest some luxury time in it.Its that time of the year which I'm particularly not fond off.Its neither summer nor winter,its fall,its transition and its allergies!Still,for the first time in the quiet of my drawing room I realise something that makes even fall seem pretty to me.Its like my eyes have suddenly gotten permanent Instagram lenses for themselves!LOL Ok so,there's something fascinating about those 7 minutes. From Curiosity's point of view,of course. Because today I feel like Curiosity.Curiosity in her 7 minutes. (Yes,I think Curiosity's a girl because 1)I feel like her.I can't feel like a boy. And 2) Curiosity for a boy's name? Seriously.What sort of parents would do that to their child?) So yeah. Curiosity and her 7 minutes. Right now, it feels like Me and my 7 Minutes.
7 Minutes of Absolute Disconnect.7 Minutes of Blissful Solitude.7 Minutes of Peace. 7 Minutes of Quiet. 7 Minutes of Being In-Charge.7 Minutes of Total Control. 7 Minutes of Complete Freedom. 7 Minutes of Stress. 7 Minutes of Relief.
7 Minutes of Blaze. 7 Minutes of Chase. 7 Minutes of Grey's. 7 Minutes of Amaze..
7 Minutes of an All-consuming Haze.

There'll always come a time in your life,one particular alignment of the cosmos,when you will be done with your past and be waiting for your future.That time your past will be a blur as its already done and packed away.At the same time,your future will be a packed in another blur,waiting to unfold.In that blurry dimension,all you will be engulfed in is going to be a haze,a state of absolute disconnect and you'll be living,truly in the present. In the here and now.When you reach that dimension in life,my advice to you would be to kick ass each moment.Cause that baby,is the 'Zen'-est time of your life.This is what they were talking about when they said- "Do not go after the past,Do not lose yourself in the future.For the past no longer exists,And the future is not yet here. By looking deeply at things just as they are,In this moment, here and now,The seeker lives calmly and freely." 
This is going to be the time when every emotion gushes in together.You will almost be capable to feel everything at the same time.This is the beauty of transition.But you'll have 2 choices to make here, 1) Go crazy!!!! :o :( 2) Go crazy. :) Right now,when I realised how everything is so beautiful as I'm living in right now,not having to think about what has already happened and not having to give a thought to what is about to happen,as it'll happen anyway,whether I sweat about it or not, I also realised how up until now i had chosen option 1). And I was going crazy,about being able to feel calm and anxious at the same time.I just realised how wrong I was.I MUST go crazy now. I don't have to worry about the life gone by,I can't do anything about the life about to come.So what the hell am I doing to my life right now??I must enjoy every moment I get to read my Vogue,to go out for every crappy movie just because I can,wake up at inconvenient times,well cause I can,spend time with family cause that'll never be enough and that'll definitely get scarce,read books,pursue hobbies,do random courses, have binges,see sunrises and sunsets,take care of my body,chill with friends..have as much me time as I want to have!!
                     YES.I SHOULD BE GOING BONKERS-NUTS-BANANAS-CRAZY :D.
My life should be the biggest freakin party I can ever see!Cause I know in my hearts of heart,that there will be a time when I will yearn for all of it, there probably will never be another here and now.BUT its here right now and these are my 7 minutes.In life,you will realise that it really doesn't matter in the long run,what happens at the end of those 7 minutes.Either you land or you don't.If you succeed its good,if you don't then there is always a better chance,you get right back up and start over.I realised I might /might not have Instagram lenses for long. I better grow and find myself before I reach the conclusion of my journey. So I don't want to waste them on slopping and not enjoying my 7 minutes of Blissful Solitude!! And I suggest you don't too. STEP IN THE HAZE BABY,CAUSE IT'S SHOWTIME ;)

Shattered Silver Splinters

There is a different kind of sound that we can here when trust shatters.. the sound of nothingness. The sudden burst of silence. Its like reaching a dead end on the road which you couldn't even see till the time you almost collided head on into it.At times,the world stops. At other times,the world spins. But what remains constant is the silence.

Trust is talkative. It talks(A LOT!), communicates, promises and builds itself up on all of these things it does between two people. It has a tendency to crop up where you'd least expect it and most of the times build up silently without letting you know that it is building itself up. And BOOM! There it is one day.Staring at you with the cute-big-eyes and batting eyelids and a puppy face..the next thing you know is you've surrendered to it! And you start batting your eyelids and you start being puppy faced in life with all the trust that sits pretty in your big big heart.

Trust also doesn't recognize lines.It breaks them.Especially,if you've drawn huge clear cut bold defined lines.Its frikkin slimy,it slips and takes the shape of the space its in.Trust once settled in your big cute heart,makes it all gooey and fudge-y and chocolate-y and melts those huge clear cut bold defined lines and reduces them to fuzzy non defined molten blobs of nothing. It lets people and things and everything in.Its soo accomodating that it entertains everything and everyone.

Did i also mention that its blind-folded and stupid usually? Oh yeah! Blindfolded. A 101% blindfolded. Its blindfolded and a lil stupid considering it doesn't see which two people its creeping in between!It just gushes in between ..makes itself comfortable in the big cute heart..bats eyelids and all that..and takes everyone in.

This process it quite similar to the formation of a fragile bubble.. Trust is a bubble. And when it bursts.It takes only a fraction of a nanosecond to end itself.It breaks at the drop of the hat, at times its broken intentionally, at other times by mistake, sometimes by carelessness, some other times unknowingly and most of the times.. it succumbs to everything on its own and kills itself. The burst is so sudden that it doesn't have time to ask questions,it doesn't wait for answers,it doesn't see through its blindfolds and it doesn't understand anything.At the first chance it gets..with ease with which its built,with the same effortlessness it breaks.

And whats left is a huge not so cute empty heart,the big-teary-eyes and a sulky clueless face..In complete and utter silence.Probably the noise inside is soo shrill that it deafens the insides to the extent that all you can hear is silence.

Unbearable.
Insurmountably.
Unbreakable.

Silence.

As i see it, the most untrustworthy of all unfair human emotions,that build and un-build themselves inside a living being -- would be trust.Nothing weakens you more than trusting someone completely,bringing someone into those huge bubble like walls of your cute happy heart,being blindfolded and believing everything from the talk to the promises.
When the lights go off on the inside and its pin drop silence in pitch darkness.All you can do is wait for the light to find its way back to that deep darkness.To show you that the damage is not that great and most importantly that its not your doing.So the punishment that you give to yourself,sitting in that pitch darkness,surrounded by shambles,reveling in that all deafening silence and going over and over again as to what went wrong where..is the biggest mistake of it all.
May be trust wouldn't be so untrustworthy if we lay it in the right hands.May be we're not using the tool right.May be before laying trust in someone else,we gotta lay it in our own self.
Trust our gut.
Trust the instinct and trust what you tell your self when no one is around.The things you confess to yourself when nobody other than you knows it.Thats when you should stop lying to yourself and pushing things under the rug,thats when you should start listening and start trusting.When everything is between you and you.. thats when you should believe what that big cute heart says.Instead of letting someone else live in there,may be we should let ourselves in and stay there before anyone else enters our world.The conscience which is clear has nothing to fear about.The heart that has no dark deep secrets that it keeps from itself is the lightest heart in the world.And its also the most dangerous tool that kills you every single moment,bit by bit,from within reminding you that you wronged someone,no matter how rosy the picture might look from the outside.

The biggest of all faiths,after the one you have in yourself,is the one you have in someone way beyond us.. Who watches out for everyone from up there..who calls the shots down here..who keeps that record book of karma for each one of us and pays us back before we take off forever.Who ensures heaven and hell right here.In some form or the other,all we can do in the end,is trust ourselves to keep our karma right.To not shatter any heart that lets us in.To be the one we want the others to be with us.To not let our karma strike back and bite us where it hurts the most.Thats the greatest gift that we can give to ourselves,when we know in our hearts of hearts that we have a clean slate,that we did no wrong knowingly or unknowingly and most importantly we never broke the heart that let us in...laying all its trust in us.
Just remind yourself at every step in life,that when you think no one is watching and you can slip without guilt.. trust that,thats exactly when someone is watching,someone within you..And you'll be sorted,because that's the only person who is going to cross the ultimate finish line with you.Don't let your own conscience kill you before someone else does.

~The Silver Star Gaze~

When i was lil, i was taught to follow my star gaze.. my dreams and that they could be lived in reality.When i was not so lil, i was made to understand that everything that i dreamed off or was dreaming off was not always possible and that i should follow them as much as i could.When i was not lil at all, i was told that everything i dreamt off when i was growing up was the stuff that only dreams were made off and that reality was a whole different ball game.When i stepped into this godforsaken crazy land of adulthood,i had been taught,untaught,told,untold so many times that,i didnt even realise when my star gaze turned into a far fetched dream itself.
When did this happen?When did we become so big? When did our dreams.. start ceasing to be reality and start getting replaced by priorities,responsibilities,commitments,duties et al.? 
Those dreams.. which are so close when you shut your eyes that you can almost touch them,almost smell them,almost feel them..almost have them. Those dreams that you've seen so many times that in your parallel candy-flossed dream universe they almost become a reality.Those dreams that you build your life on and those that keep adding themselves to base your life on.. any and all sorts of dreams are the things that you can almost get a taste off... but probably they're fated OR ill fated to be an "almost" of life..
But what would life be if there were no almosts in life ?

Almost ~ That thin fragile line which demarcates a dream life which would have been from the life that it is.
Life,as i see now,has been like this for almost all of us, full of almosts..
Mark Twain once said-" The difference between the almost right word and the right word is really a large matter–’tis the difference between the lightning bug and the lightning.” 
What he means according to me is that, when one's supposed to take a decision, either that decision can be a 10/10 bang-on hitting-the-bull's eye sort of decision (as bright as a bolt of lightning!) or that decision can be a 9.99/10,a slight miss, a tiny deviation or an almost..(not a bright flash of light but a tiny dot of light..still its a flicker of light nonetheless)
Almost >>  is the gap between the dream life you beautifully carve out of nothing in your head and the reality that you live in.Its the first position in any competition and any other a position below it,when you almost finish off first.Its the hollow between the spotlight and the pitch darkness around it,when you're almost in the spotlight and still out of it.It is the vaccum you hear when you dial someone's phone number and hang up just before it starts ringing,when you almost get connected. It is the fraction of a second underwater just before you come up,when you almost drown. It is that one fourth grace mark which takes you to the other side,when you almost failed.It is that one rupee while bidding which makes you lose,when you could've almost won.It is that one run that makes 99 a 100 ,when you almost make a century.


Almost is the place where ..Life happens..
When you're busy star gazing and fate's busy planning your future..
When you wake up from your sleep and cant make out whether what you just saw was a dream or it was for real..
When dreams try to meet the reality and they miss by an iota of an inch!

But does that mean that we should stop our star gazing? Does that mean the end of hope? Does that mean that we should never try to reach for the stars? Does that mean that its the end of it all?
NO. AND A BIG FAT NOOO AT THAT!
Oprah,the woman of all seasons,once said that the biggest adventure you can take it to love the life of your dreams.And rightly so,all dreams come true if we have the courage,the perseverance,the guts,the balls,the grit to pursue them..Whoever said dreams cannot be lived has clearly not chased them enough! The only reason anyone's life gets messy.. anyone's dream gets shattered is because they didn't have it in them to hold it for long enough,to compel it to come to them! Almost,my dearie,is the place which is proof that you went for it,that you took the plunge,that you followed your dream and that no matter what the outcome was.. you at least looked up in the sky,took the leap of faith and reached for your star. That's where the real adventure of life lies.Simply,because you cannot always wait for the perfect time, sometimes you must dare to jump.And midst of the confusion of telling,untelling,learning,unlearning the procedure of how to live your dream-life and how not to do it.. from when you were lil to when you became an adult,you realise that,that's when you've truly lived.. 


Life's not measured in pounds and nickels. Life's not even measured in hits and misses. And not even in winning and losing. Its measured by the simple fact that when you're ready to meet your creator,when you're bidding your final goodbyes,when you're into that tunnel of warm welcoming flash of white light..and your entire life flashes in front of your eyes.. you should not have a tiny grain of regret inside of you. When you look back and read your own biography,you should not be regretting the way the show ran and the way your life's curtain fell. You should be nodding and saying ..This is it. This is how i chose to live my dreams.

May be once a while, you should gather your guts and stretch that almost and make it a reality. May be once a while,you should know better and leave it at that. Both ways, you should know in the deepest corner of your heart that whatever you do .. you should never regret that you never tried.Because as you grow older the only things you'll regret are the things that you didn't do.. the girl/guy you almost married,the guy you almost saved,the job you almost left,the trip you almost took....the dream you almost lived. 


And i see many people regret their almosts in life.So why leave a chance to be in that place where all you have is regret in life?Sometimes you gotta stop and remember that you're not gonna live forever.Don't be a person who has to look back and wonder what they would have or could have had. No one and nothing waits forever.Sometimes we need to stop analyzing the past - stop planning the future - stop figuring out precisely how we feel - stop deciding with our mind exactly what we want our heart to feel - sometimes we just have to accept things for what they are and be happy with that almost which becomes a living reality and not an almost anymore,sometimes you just have to go with the flow, dream big and live to the fullest !


Because in the end baby,it's all worth it !!!!! :)


Much love,
xoxo
Sea